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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Study Finds Americans Lead World In Ability To Justify Unnecessary Purchases

NEW YORK—A study published Thursday by the McKinsey Global Institute confirmed that American citizens lead the world in the ability to justify needless purchases, a finding that extended across all consumer categories, from electronics, to food items, to motor vehicles. “When it comes to rationalizing a third flatscreen television, defending the bulk purchase of sale items, inventing reasons to upgrade a cable package, and categorizing any purchase as an ‘investment,’ we discovered that consumers in the U.S. are more than five times as proficient as their counterparts in other countries,” said researcher Peter Cahill, citing the roughly $100 billion per year that Americans justify spending on cell phones that are less than a year newer than their existing model, shoes with pockets for each toe, brand-name allergy medicine, in-home soda machines, apps, coconut water, collector’s edition DVDs, and thousands of other goods and services. “What’s perhaps more impressive is that the unnecessary spending gap between the U.S. and the next closest nation more than doubles when we factor in completely superfluous big-ticket purchases, such as tuition at exclusive colleges or 3,400-square-foot homes.” The study also found that U.S. consumers were equally dominant when it came to helping friends and family members justify the purchase of unnecessary products.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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