adBlockCheck

Recent News

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

Study Finds Americans Lead World In Ability To Justify Unnecessary Purchases

NEW YORK—A study published Thursday by the McKinsey Global Institute confirmed that American citizens lead the world in the ability to justify needless purchases, a finding that extended across all consumer categories, from electronics, to food items, to motor vehicles. “When it comes to rationalizing a third flatscreen television, defending the bulk purchase of sale items, inventing reasons to upgrade a cable package, and categorizing any purchase as an ‘investment,’ we discovered that consumers in the U.S. are more than five times as proficient as their counterparts in other countries,” said researcher Peter Cahill, citing the roughly $100 billion per year that Americans justify spending on cell phones that are less than a year newer than their existing model, shoes with pockets for each toe, brand-name allergy medicine, in-home soda machines, apps, coconut water, collector’s edition DVDs, and thousands of other goods and services. “What’s perhaps more impressive is that the unnecessary spending gap between the U.S. and the next closest nation more than doubles when we factor in completely superfluous big-ticket purchases, such as tuition at exclusive colleges or 3,400-square-foot homes.” The study also found that U.S. consumers were equally dominant when it came to helping friends and family members justify the purchase of unnecessary products.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close