adBlockCheck

Study Finds Average American Inadvertently Eats Equivalent Of 8 Pieces Of Fruit Per Year

Top Headlines

Recent News

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Study Finds Average American Inadvertently Eats Equivalent Of 8 Pieces Of Fruit Per Year

ATHENS, GA—According to a study published Monday by researchers at the University of Georgia, the average American inadvertently consumes the equivalent of eight pieces of fruit each year. “Our findings suggest that the typical person accidentally ingests small fruit fragments or pureed fruit chunks when they are mixed in with certain meals or snacks, such as yogurt or Hawaiian pizza, which, over the course of 12 months, adds up to about eight whole pieces of fruit,” said lead researcher Richard Sampson, who assured the public that, while the thought of unintentionally chewing and swallowing that amount of fruit might make them feel squeamish or repulsed, consuming such minute quantities of the plant-based substance over the course of hundreds of meals would have very little impact on their health. “When people learn that the foods they eat every day might contain tiny parts or scraps of fruit, they tend to feel queasy. However, most Americans never even notice, and the body naturally flushes out fruit and fruit residue the same way it would a cinnamon roll or a chicken nugget.” Researchers said that concerned consumers could limit their contact with fruit by keeping their diet primarily limited to cheese.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close