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Study Finds Average American Inadvertently Eats Equivalent Of 8 Pieces Of Fruit Per Year

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Area Man Disappointed In Self For Already Being Full

GREEN VALLEY, AZ—Compelled by physical discomfort to set down the remainder of his pulled pork sandwich and discontinue eating the small mound of French fries still sitting on his plate, local man Shane Plimpton was said to be deeply disappointed in himself Wednesday for already being full.

Diners Slightly Unnerved That Waitress Didn't Write Down Order

PORTLAND, OR–A Chili's waitress identified only as "Karen" made a six-person lunch party uncomfortable Monday when she didn't write down their orders. "We ordered a heck of a lot of stuff," diner Dennis Bernardo told his dining companions. "You think she'll actually remember the 'no olives' in Bob's Greek salad? And my request for marinara sauce instead of alfredo on my pasta? I'm sure she knows what she's doing, but I still kinda wish she'd written it down." Fellow diner Sandi Slocum said she was going to add a Coke to her order just as the waitress was leaving, but opted not to for fear of "complicating things."

Use Of Organic Peanut Butter Adds Two Minutes To Local Man's Life

BERKELEY, CA–Vincent Dunst, manager of a Berkeley-area food cooperative, has added two minutes to his life by consuming organic peanut butter instead of major brands, health-food experts reported Monday. "Store-bought brands like Jif and Skippy are loaded with artificial emulsifiers and preservatives. Some of them even contain brown dyes to make them look more 'peanut buttery,'" Dunst said. "This all-natural Sunset Farms peanut butter contains absolutely nothing but fresh peanuts and a little bit of sea salt–and, as an added bonus, the jar is glass instead of plastic." Dunst has also added 22 seconds to his life by starting off each day with a frosty, fiber-rich "Bulgur Smoothie."
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Study Finds Average American Inadvertently Eats Equivalent Of 8 Pieces Of Fruit Per Year

ATHENS, GA—According to a study published Monday by researchers at the University of Georgia, the average American inadvertently consumes the equivalent of eight pieces of fruit each year. “Our findings suggest that the typical person accidentally ingests small fruit fragments or pureed fruit chunks when they are mixed in with certain meals or snacks, such as yogurt or Hawaiian pizza, which, over the course of 12 months, adds up to about eight whole pieces of fruit,” said lead researcher Richard Sampson, who assured the public that, while the thought of unintentionally chewing and swallowing that amount of fruit might make them feel squeamish or repulsed, consuming such minute quantities of the plant-based substance over the course of hundreds of meals would have very little impact on their health. “When people learn that the foods they eat every day might contain tiny parts or scraps of fruit, they tend to feel queasy. However, most Americans never even notice, and the body naturally flushes out fruit and fruit residue the same way it would a cinnamon roll or a chicken nugget.” Researchers said that concerned consumers could limit their contact with fruit by keeping their diet primarily limited to cheese.

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