adBlockCheck

Recent News

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

The Pros And Cons Of Universal Basic Income

As Finland tests a program to give a universal basic income to unemployed citizens, many wonder if a similar initiative could work in the United States. Here are some pros and cons of such a program:

What Compromising Information Does Russia Have On Donald Trump?

On Tuesday, it was reported that leaders of American intelligence agencies had given Donald Trump a memo advising that Russia had gathered compromising personal information about him as part of a wider effort to disrupt the election, though these claims remain unsubstantiated and both the president-elect and the Kremlin deny these reports. Here’s a look at what damaging information Russia may have in its possession.
End Of Section
  • More News

Study Finds College Education Leaves Majority Of Graduates Unprepared To Carry Entire American Economic Recovery

NEW YORK—According to a new study published Wednesday in The American Educational Research Journal, an overwhelming majority of recent college graduates are completely unprepared to carry the full weight of the U.S. economic recovery.

The study, conducted by researchers at Columbia University, confirmed that a drastically high number of 22- to 24-year-olds lack even the most fundamental skills necessary to singlehandedly spark unbridled economic growth across the entire country for generations to come.

“Our findings indicate that many college graduates do not receive an education that adequately prepares them for turning around years of economic malaise and fostering a bold new era of American prosperity,” said Dr. Jason Fields, lead author of the report. “Even at elite colleges, most students leave school without a strong enough grasp on how to totally revitalize the manufacturing, housing, automotive, and health care industries of an entire country.”

“Simply put, American academic institutions are failing to equip their students with the tools to swiftly erase trillions of dollars of national debt,” Fields added. “In fact, most of them aren’t even able to save the vanishing middle class.”

Fields explained to reporters that in critical areas such as driving nationwide consumer spending, boosting the country’s GDP, and returning the U.S. to the forefront of international trade, today’s college graduates are floundering. Statistics show over 90 percent of American college graduates lack the skills required to create millions of jobs through a total restructuring of the nation’s infrastructure and energy grid, 78 percent lack the technical knowledge to turn around struggling small businesses throughout the nation, and an alarming 97 percent are severely underprepared to dramatically improve the deteriorating standards of living for the middle and lower classes.

In addition, the study found that the vast majority of undergraduate college curricula contain little to no courses on subjects such as completely turning around a moribund financial system or paying off a seemingly insurmountable accumulation of debt to China.

“Many students emerge with their four-year college degrees unable to tackle even basic problems such as undoing the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression,” said Fields, adding that those who graduated as far back as 2007 still struggle to inject billions of dollars into the federal government. “They literally have no idea how to implement sustainable models of widespread financial stability for millions of American families in a short amount of time, and that is unacceptable.”

Fields stressed that the failure of recent college graduates to create a new wave of multi-billion-dollar companies capable of bolstering both the private and public sectors ultimately falls on educators.

“College professors have a responsibility to make sure their pupils are ready to immediately dig the entire United States out from the brink of financial ruin—a responsibility that they are, sadly, not taking seriously enough,” Fields concluded. “Also, if they could figure out a way to teach recent college graduates how to reverse climate change too, that would be super helpful.”

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close