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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.
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Study Finds Expressing Anger In Unhealthy Ways Actually Incredibly Satisfying

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying. “While not necessarily good for you, our findings strongly suggest that screaming at the top of one’s lungs, punching holes in walls, and hurling objects across the room can, in fact, be immensely gratifying experiences,” said head researcher Natalie Kimball, adding that the data indicates that aggressively projecting insecurities onto others or verbally abusing someone in an obscenity-laden tirade, whatever other consequences there may be, feels amazing. “In each of our trials, we indeed found that subjects who spent hours groaning about some trivial offense or brooding for multiple days before releasing their fury in a sudden, misdirected tantrum managed to greatly reduce their stress levels across the board. Against all conventional wisdom, channeling your rage into alcohol or drug binges, or really any form of maladaptive behavior directed at yourself or others, is an effective way to bring about substantial feelings of contentment.” At press time, researchers begrudgingly admitted that channeling anger into exercise or some other beneficial activity, while certainly not as satisfying, was technically what they would recommend.

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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

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