adBlockCheck

Study Finds Getting Smacked Right In The Mouth With A Goddamn Tree Branch Really Sucks

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

How Dating Sites Match Their Users

With millions of people opting to use online dating sites to meet new potential romantic partners, many are wondering how computer algorithms can enhance their chances of finding “the one.” Here are the steps that dating sites take to match compatible users
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Study Finds Getting Smacked Right In The Mouth With A Goddamn Tree Branch Really Sucks

'But After A Minute, You're Basically Fine,' Researchers Say

A researcher explains the $6 million goddamn tree branch study to reporters.
A researcher explains the $6 million goddamn tree branch study to reporters.

BOSTON—According to a study published Monday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, getting smacked right across the mouth with a goddamn tree branch really fucking sucks, but after a minute or so, you're pretty much fine.

The study, in which researchers at Boston University documented the reactions of more than 400 unsuspecting volunteers getting smacked right in the mouth with tree branches, found that regardless of gender, ethnicity, age, or socioeconomic background, a full-on, unexpected smack to the mouth with a stupid goddamn tree branch initially really blows, though the subject is more or less okay once a few minutes have passed.

"We observed volunteers being smacked square in the mouth with birch branches, pine branches, walnut branches, black walnut branches, hickory branches—but there was no statistically significant difference in terms of how much it sucked," said Dr. Philip Marks, chief medical researcher at the university. "With very few exceptions, the reactions we recorded ran the limited gamut from 'Oh, God! Oh my God, that sucked!' to 'Oh, fuck! Am I bleeding? I'm bleeding…no, I guess not. Man, that sucked!'"

After the initial impact, this subject took 67 seconds to go from thinking he might have to get stitches to realizing he wouldn't have to go to the hospital at all.

"But after a couple minutes of gingerly dabbing at their mouths with their fingertips, then staring at their fingers, then looking around in disbelief, each volunteer reported being basically fine," Marks continued while shrugging. "So, not really a big deal."

In a video given to the press by Boston University, researchers can be seen running several variants of the stupid goddamn tree branch experiment in a controlled laboratory setting. In the most scientifically compelling permutation, subjects first walk through a disgusting fucking spiderweb and flail around wildly before being smacked right in the mouth with a tree branch by a waiting research assistant.

According to Marks, these trials determined conclusively that walking through a nasty, sticky spiderweb and then getting smacked right in the mouth with a goddamn piece-of-shit tree branch is really fucking gross and sucks a lot.

"Once you take a moment to gather yourself and rationally assess the situation, though, you quickly realize that your life isn't in any real danger, and that you're going to be okay," Marks said. "However, this is not to say the experience wasn't initially totally disgusting, or that it didn't really, really suck. That observation remained consistent across every trial we ran."

A control group whose members were not smacked across the mouth with anything nor compelled to walk through anything gross reported being pretty much okay throughout the experiments.

Marks said the implications of the study could be far-reaching, having a major impact on future research in the field of getting smacked with a variety of stupid goddamn things in various anatomical areas and its relationship to whether one is more-or-less fine after a minute or two.

"The scientific possibilities are truly endless," Marks said. "For example, we've theorized that getting dinged right in the balls with a fucking dirt clod will make you feel like you're going to puke everywhere, but if you sit down for a little bit and take some deep breaths, you'll basically be okay."

"It's all very, very exciting," Marks added.

However, Marks acknowledged that such future breakthroughs are likely far off, and that it may be decades before researchers know whether jamming one's finger after being tossed a stupid goddamn basketball makes it feel as though you definitely broke your finger and will probably need surgery, or whether if you then flex your finger and tug on it a little bit, you're pretty much fine, but your finger will possibly be sore for a couple days.

If you live in the Boston area and would like to volunteer for a medical trial related to the effects of getting dinged right in the balls with stupid goddamn dirt clods, please contact Dr. Marks at pmarks@bostonuniversity.edu.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close