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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Study Finds Girls Outperforming Future Employers In School

NASHVILLE, TN—The results of a comprehensive multiyear study charting the educational achievement of children throughout the United States were released Friday, revealing that the nation’s girls are increasingly outperforming their future employers in all subjects. “We looked at test scores from all 50 states and found that, across every demographic group, girls are consistently outscoring those who will someday have the power to hire and fire them,” said the study’s lead author, Jennifer Malone, of Vanderbilt University, who noted that the gap between female students and those who will hold 86 percent of top executive positions at the companies where they work emerges early in elementary school and continues to grow throughout high school, college, and graduate school. “For years, girls have performed better than their future bosses in areas like writing and reading comprehension, but more recently, they’ve started to surpass them in STEM subjects as well. At the same time, those individuals who will one day pay their female classmates a fraction of the industry standard have fallen further behind.” Malone added that if current trends in education continue, women will soon outnumber nearly all future tech workers, financial analysts, and government leaders at the nation’s universities by a two-to-one margin.

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