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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Study Finds Girls Outperforming Future Employers In School

NASHVILLE, TN—The results of a comprehensive multiyear study charting the educational achievement of children throughout the United States were released Friday, revealing that the nation’s girls are increasingly outperforming their future employers in all subjects. “We looked at test scores from all 50 states and found that, across every demographic group, girls are consistently outscoring those who will someday have the power to hire and fire them,” said the study’s lead author, Jennifer Malone, of Vanderbilt University, who noted that the gap between female students and those who will hold 86 percent of top executive positions at the companies where they work emerges early in elementary school and continues to grow throughout high school, college, and graduate school. “For years, girls have performed better than their future bosses in areas like writing and reading comprehension, but more recently, they’ve started to surpass them in STEM subjects as well. At the same time, those individuals who will one day pay their female classmates a fraction of the industry standard have fallen further behind.” Malone added that if current trends in education continue, women will soon outnumber nearly all future tech workers, financial analysts, and government leaders at the nation’s universities by a two-to-one margin.

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