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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Study Finds High School Students Retain Only One-Third Of Obsolete Curriculum Over Summer

WASHINGTON—A study released Monday by the Department of Education found that the majority of U.S. high school students struggle to retain obsolete course material over summer break, with students remembering as little as 30 percent of their out-of-date curricula by the time classes resume in the fall. “Despite thorough reinforcement with old-fashioned rote memorization techniques, we found that few students are able to recall more than a third of the irrelevant syllabi their teachers attempted to drill into them during the previous academic year,” said one of the study’s authors, Lydia Prestwich, who noted that barely one in four high school freshmen could identify all nine planets or name the capital of Zaire. “According to our survey, two-thirds of students could not state which country Hugo Chavez leads, while more than 70 percent were unable to give the name of even a single shuttle that NASA uses in its space program, despite learning this material as recently as this past spring.” To ameliorate the alarming statistics, researchers stressed that school administrators nationwide must ensure that every one of their pupils has access to outdated classroom resources and receives instruction from an unqualified, out-of-touch teacher.

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