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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Study Finds High School Students Retain Only One-Third Of Obsolete Curriculum Over Summer

WASHINGTON—A study released Monday by the Department of Education found that the majority of U.S. high school students struggle to retain obsolete course material over summer break, with students remembering as little as 30 percent of their out-of-date curricula by the time classes resume in the fall. “Despite thorough reinforcement with old-fashioned rote memorization techniques, we found that few students are able to recall more than a third of the irrelevant syllabi their teachers attempted to drill into them during the previous academic year,” said one of the study’s authors, Lydia Prestwich, who noted that barely one in four high school freshmen could identify all nine planets or name the capital of Zaire. “According to our survey, two-thirds of students could not state which country Hugo Chavez leads, while more than 70 percent were unable to give the name of even a single shuttle that NASA uses in its space program, despite learning this material as recently as this past spring.” To ameliorate the alarming statistics, researchers stressed that school administrators nationwide must ensure that every one of their pupils has access to outdated classroom resources and receives instruction from an unqualified, out-of-touch teacher.

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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