adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.
End Of Section
  • More News

Study Finds High School Students Retain Only One-Third Of Obsolete Curriculum Over Summer

WASHINGTON—A study released Monday by the Department of Education found that the majority of U.S. high school students struggle to retain obsolete course material over summer break, with students remembering as little as 30 percent of their out-of-date curricula by the time classes resume in the fall. “Despite thorough reinforcement with old-fashioned rote memorization techniques, we found that few students are able to recall more than a third of the irrelevant syllabi their teachers attempted to drill into them during the previous academic year,” said one of the study’s authors, Lydia Prestwich, who noted that barely one in four high school freshmen could identify all nine planets or name the capital of Zaire. “According to our survey, two-thirds of students could not state which country Hugo Chavez leads, while more than 70 percent were unable to give the name of even a single shuttle that NASA uses in its space program, despite learning this material as recently as this past spring.” To ameliorate the alarming statistics, researchers stressed that school administrators nationwide must ensure that every one of their pupils has access to outdated classroom resources and receives instruction from an unqualified, out-of-touch teacher.

More from this section

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close