adBlockCheck

Recent News

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
End Of Section
  • More News

Study Finds Humans Only Animals Capable Of Recognizing Former Selves In Mirror

NEW YORK—A new study published Thursday in the journal Animal Cognition revealed that human beings are the only animals capable of recognizing the dim shadow of their former selves in the mirror. “As our research shows, Homo sapiens remains the sole species with the ability to behold its reflection and identify the youthful visage it once presented to the world,” said New York University evolutionary psychologist and study lead author Gary Marcus, adding that humans and humans alone possess the intellectual capacity to peer into a reflective surface and perceive the lively expression and fresh-faced features buried beneath sagging skin. “While previous studies suggest that some animals—including nonhuman primates, dolphins, and even elephants—respond to their reflection with varying degrees of self-awareness, we find that only humans have the cognitive faculties required to gaze into a mirror and see the vital, hopeful individuals they once were. It is worth pointing out, however, that the human brain generally perceives this phantom image for only a few seconds before it fades away, leaving behind the wrinkles, sallow complexion, and dull, lifeless eyes to which the person has become accustomed over the years.” Marcus also noted that, even after this fleeting view of their former selves fades away, humans are uniquely endowed with the immense levels of self-denial necessary to pretend they’re still the same people they’ve always been.

More from this section

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close