adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

Study Finds Humans Only Animals Capable Of Recognizing Former Selves In Mirror

NEW YORK—A new study published Thursday in the journal Animal Cognition revealed that human beings are the only animals capable of recognizing the dim shadow of their former selves in the mirror. “As our research shows, Homo sapiens remains the sole species with the ability to behold its reflection and identify the youthful visage it once presented to the world,” said New York University evolutionary psychologist and study lead author Gary Marcus, adding that humans and humans alone possess the intellectual capacity to peer into a reflective surface and perceive the lively expression and fresh-faced features buried beneath sagging skin. “While previous studies suggest that some animals—including nonhuman primates, dolphins, and even elephants—respond to their reflection with varying degrees of self-awareness, we find that only humans have the cognitive faculties required to gaze into a mirror and see the vital, hopeful individuals they once were. It is worth pointing out, however, that the human brain generally perceives this phantom image for only a few seconds before it fades away, leaving behind the wrinkles, sallow complexion, and dull, lifeless eyes to which the person has become accustomed over the years.” Marcus also noted that, even after this fleeting view of their former selves fades away, humans are uniquely endowed with the immense levels of self-denial necessary to pretend they’re still the same people they’ve always been.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close