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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Study Finds Leading Cause Of Depression Hearing Words ‘2016 Frontrunners’

BETHESDA, MD—A groundbreaking psychiatric study released Monday indicates that hearing the words “2016 frontrunners” is currently the leading cause of chronic depression in the United States. “As our research shows, the vast majority of major depressive disorders arise instantly after the words ‘2016 frontrunners’ are uttered in any context, with most cases developing mere seconds after the words are heard and processed,” said National Institute of Mental Health director and study author Dr. Thomas Insel, pointing to thousands of test subjects who sank into an acute and irretrievable state of melancholy upon being exposed to any reference to the impending U.S. presidential race and its candidates. “Time and time again, we found that even the most buoyant and carefree of individuals would, upon hearing this reminder of the 2016 election, immediately plunge into an abject state of sadness, anxiety, decreased energy, and overwhelming despair, with their symptoms only amplifying as the phrase was repeated. Truly, these two simple words are capable of wreaking absolute havoc on the human mind.” Insel added that despite its destabilizing effects, the expression is nowhere near as devastating to one’s mental well-being as the highly corrosive words “primary season,” which were reportedly responsible for more than 80,000 suicides in 2012 alone.

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