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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Study Finds Leading Cause Of Depression Hearing Words ‘2016 Frontrunners’

BETHESDA, MD—A groundbreaking psychiatric study released Monday indicates that hearing the words “2016 frontrunners” is currently the leading cause of chronic depression in the United States. “As our research shows, the vast majority of major depressive disorders arise instantly after the words ‘2016 frontrunners’ are uttered in any context, with most cases developing mere seconds after the words are heard and processed,” said National Institute of Mental Health director and study author Dr. Thomas Insel, pointing to thousands of test subjects who sank into an acute and irretrievable state of melancholy upon being exposed to any reference to the impending U.S. presidential race and its candidates. “Time and time again, we found that even the most buoyant and carefree of individuals would, upon hearing this reminder of the 2016 election, immediately plunge into an abject state of sadness, anxiety, decreased energy, and overwhelming despair, with their symptoms only amplifying as the phrase was repeated. Truly, these two simple words are capable of wreaking absolute havoc on the human mind.” Insel added that despite its destabilizing effects, the expression is nowhere near as devastating to one’s mental well-being as the highly corrosive words “primary season,” which were reportedly responsible for more than 80,000 suicides in 2012 alone.

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