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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Study Finds Marine Life Now Global Leader In Oil Imports

WASHINGTON—According to a study published Wednesday by the U.S. Department of Energy, marine life has surpassed the world’s major industrial powers as the largest global importer of oil. “The number of barrels of crude oil that sea creatures import has been increasing sharply for decades, and in the past few years, ocean ecosystems have overtaken China, the European Union, and the United States to become the number-one destination for OPEC exports,” said the study’s lead author, Gabriel Vogt, noting that global oil companies have been steadily increasing the number of tankers and offshore platforms that deliver oil directly to fish, seals, marine birds, corals, turtles, and various other ocean creatures. “And given current oil drilling and shipping technologies and industry regulations, imports by marine organisms show no sign of abating. At this point, sea life has simply grown accustomed to cheap and abundant oil—it’s just an everyday part of their lives.” Vogt added that oil appeared to be incredibly popular among ocean life based on the thousands of marine species that consume petroleum products each year.

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