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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Study Finds Marine Life Now Global Leader In Oil Imports

WASHINGTON—According to a study published Wednesday by the U.S. Department of Energy, marine life has surpassed the world’s major industrial powers as the largest global importer of oil. “The number of barrels of crude oil that sea creatures import has been increasing sharply for decades, and in the past few years, ocean ecosystems have overtaken China, the European Union, and the United States to become the number-one destination for OPEC exports,” said the study’s lead author, Gabriel Vogt, noting that global oil companies have been steadily increasing the number of tankers and offshore platforms that deliver oil directly to fish, seals, marine birds, corals, turtles, and various other ocean creatures. “And given current oil drilling and shipping technologies and industry regulations, imports by marine organisms show no sign of abating. At this point, sea life has simply grown accustomed to cheap and abundant oil—it’s just an everyday part of their lives.” Vogt added that oil appeared to be incredibly popular among ocean life based on the thousands of marine species that consume petroleum products each year.

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