Study Finds Marine Life Now Global Leader In Oil Imports

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Vol 50 Issue 03

Jay Z Honored To Be Nominated In Same Category As Jay Z

LOS ANGELES—Saying that he was thrilled to be considered alongside such a talented and respected musician, hip-hop artist and 2014 Best Rap Album Grammy nominee Jay Z told reporters today that he feels “deeply honored” to be nominated in...

Lunchbox Mostly Medication

Inclement weather prevents a liar from getting to work, thousands of athletes who will disgrace their country eagerly train for the Winter Olympics, and a lunchbox is mostly medication.

Mascot Absolutely Reeks

SYRACUSE, NY—Saying that they probably never clean the thing, sources confirmed Friday that Syracuse University’s mascot Otto the Orange absolutely reeked as he wove his way in and out of stands.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Pop Culture

Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Energy

Study Finds Marine Life Now Global Leader In Oil Imports

WASHINGTON—According to a study published Wednesday by the U.S. Department of Energy, marine life has surpassed the world’s major industrial powers as the largest global importer of oil. “The number of barrels of crude oil that sea creatures import has been increasing sharply for decades, and in the past few years, ocean ecosystems have overtaken China, the European Union, and the United States to become the number-one destination for OPEC exports,” said the study’s lead author, Gabriel Vogt, noting that global oil companies have been steadily increasing the number of tankers and offshore platforms that deliver oil directly to fish, seals, marine birds, corals, turtles, and various other ocean creatures. “And given current oil drilling and shipping technologies and industry regulations, imports by marine organisms show no sign of abating. At this point, sea life has simply grown accustomed to cheap and abundant oil—it’s just an everyday part of their lives.” Vogt added that oil appeared to be incredibly popular among ocean life based on the thousands of marine species that consume petroleum products each year.

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