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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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Study Finds No Logical Reason Why Planes Fly

PALO ALTO, CA—According to a recent study conducted by a team of physicists at Stanford University, there is no logical explanation why airplanes are able to fly through the air. "We understand the concepts of 'lift' and 'thrust,' but airplanes weigh like 800,000 pounds," head researcher Gabe Koplowitz said. "How does a huge metal tube just float up there in the sky without falling? And it's not even 'floating,' really, even though it looks like it is, because it's going 500 mph. Which means that when I'm sitting in an airplane, I'm actually going 500 mph, too. Me, Gabe Koplowitz. Jesus, how come we all don't vomit or have our hair blow back?" The study posited a number of potential theories to explain the phenomenon, including wind propulsion, suspension of gravity, and the possibility that clouds "pull" the plane skyward. The Stanford team plans to devote the next two years to a new study on why telephones hear.

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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