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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Study Finds Only Safe Place To Tackle Football Players Is 4-Inch Area On Right Thigh

PALO ALTO, CA—In light of a troubling number of major injuries in the NFL this season, a new study published Monday by the Stanford University Sports Medicine Center revealed that the only safe part of the body to tackle a football player is a 4-inch portion of the right thigh. “Our findings showed players have a substantially higher risk of incurring critical, sometimes permanent damage when receiving a hit anywhere outside this 10-centimeter-square area of the upper right leg,” said lead researcher Dr. Mark Domianci, explaining that regardless of age or level, all football players should avoid direct contact to the head, neck, chest, back, shoulders, arms, abdomen, hips, knees, shins, and ankles. “Given how much bigger, faster, and stronger today’s athletes are becoming, the only way to prevent serious head trauma, high-grade muscle tears, bone fractures, or spinal injuries is by ensuring players target this small region of the right thigh when delivering a hit. Tackling anywhere else on the body—even just a few inches from this area—is extremely dangerous for both players involved.” Domianci went on to recommend that as a general rule, no one should ever play the sport of football under any circumstances.

UPDATE:

When reached for comment, an NFL spokesperson assured reporters that the league would take this new study into account while implementing an 18-game regular season.

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