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Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Study Finds Only Safe Place To Tackle Football Players Is 4-Inch Area On Right Thigh

PALO ALTO, CA—In light of a troubling number of major injuries in the NFL this season, a new study published Monday by the Stanford University Sports Medicine Center revealed that the only safe part of the body to tackle a football player is a 4-inch portion of the right thigh. “Our findings showed players have a substantially higher risk of incurring critical, sometimes permanent damage when receiving a hit anywhere outside this 10-centimeter-square area of the upper right leg,” said lead researcher Dr. Mark Domianci, explaining that regardless of age or level, all football players should avoid direct contact to the head, neck, chest, back, shoulders, arms, abdomen, hips, knees, shins, and ankles. “Given how much bigger, faster, and stronger today’s athletes are becoming, the only way to prevent serious head trauma, high-grade muscle tears, bone fractures, or spinal injuries is by ensuring players target this small region of the right thigh when delivering a hit. Tackling anywhere else on the body—even just a few inches from this area—is extremely dangerous for both players involved.” Domianci went on to recommend that as a general rule, no one should ever play the sport of football under any circumstances.

UPDATE:

When reached for comment, an NFL spokesperson assured reporters that the league would take this new study into account while implementing an 18-game regular season.

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