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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Study Finds Only Safe Place To Tackle Football Players Is 4-Inch Area On Right Thigh

PALO ALTO, CA—In light of a troubling number of major injuries in the NFL this season, a new study published Monday by the Stanford University Sports Medicine Center revealed that the only safe part of the body to tackle a football player is a 4-inch portion of the right thigh. “Our findings showed players have a substantially higher risk of incurring critical, sometimes permanent damage when receiving a hit anywhere outside this 10-centimeter-square area of the upper right leg,” said lead researcher Dr. Mark Domianci, explaining that regardless of age or level, all football players should avoid direct contact to the head, neck, chest, back, shoulders, arms, abdomen, hips, knees, shins, and ankles. “Given how much bigger, faster, and stronger today’s athletes are becoming, the only way to prevent serious head trauma, high-grade muscle tears, bone fractures, or spinal injuries is by ensuring players target this small region of the right thigh when delivering a hit. Tackling anywhere else on the body—even just a few inches from this area—is extremely dangerous for both players involved.” Domianci went on to recommend that as a general rule, no one should ever play the sport of football under any circumstances.

UPDATE:

When reached for comment, an NFL spokesperson assured reporters that the league would take this new study into account while implementing an 18-game regular season.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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