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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Study Finds People On Dates Know Within 30 Seconds If Other Person Is Newt Gingrich

AUSTIN, TX—Examining the importance of first impressions when meeting potential romantic partners, a study released Monday by the University of Texas found that individuals on first dates are able to tell within just 30 seconds whether the other person is former House Speaker and presidential candidate Newt Gingrich. “Within just half a minute, the average person rapidly evaluates a number of physical and social cues from the individual he or she is with and makes up his or her mind about whether or not he or she is in the company of longtime Georgia representative Newt Gingrich,” said researcher Marcia Hills, adding that the findings applied equally to men and women, as well as straight and homosexual individuals. “You can be having an engaging conversation, but the truth is you’ve already instinctively determined whether the person sitting across from you led the 1994 Republican Revolution in Congress before your drinks have even arrived. Whatever else happens during the date, your actions will ultimately be governed by what you knew in your heart about this individual moments after you met.” The researchers also found that while many people continued their date out of courtesy, a significant number realized there could never be much romantic potential with Gingrich and immediately began searching for excuses to leave.

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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

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