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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study Finds People On Dates Know Within 30 Seconds If Other Person Is Newt Gingrich

AUSTIN, TX—Examining the importance of first impressions when meeting potential romantic partners, a study released Monday by the University of Texas found that individuals on first dates are able to tell within just 30 seconds whether the other person is former House Speaker and presidential candidate Newt Gingrich. “Within just half a minute, the average person rapidly evaluates a number of physical and social cues from the individual he or she is with and makes up his or her mind about whether or not he or she is in the company of longtime Georgia representative Newt Gingrich,” said researcher Marcia Hills, adding that the findings applied equally to men and women, as well as straight and homosexual individuals. “You can be having an engaging conversation, but the truth is you’ve already instinctively determined whether the person sitting across from you led the 1994 Republican Revolution in Congress before your drinks have even arrived. Whatever else happens during the date, your actions will ultimately be governed by what you knew in your heart about this individual moments after you met.” The researchers also found that while many people continued their date out of courtesy, a significant number realized there could never be much romantic potential with Gingrich and immediately began searching for excuses to leave.

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