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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Study Finds Suspicious Circumstances Still Leading Cause Of Death In Russia

GENEVA—Warning that the trend represents a major national health issue, a study released Monday by the World Health Organization confirmed that suspicious circumstances remain the leading cause of death in Russia. “Our analysis has found that mysterious circumstances represent the number one overall killer of Russians, affecting men as young as 20 and as old as 80,” said study co-author Dr. Simon Gerber, adding that the findings linked several behavioral factors—most notably working in high-ranking positions within the fields of journalism, national government, or the petroleum industry—to an increased risk of someday succumbing to the deadly epidemic. “Although dubious and largely improbable coincidences have long been a leading cause of death across all regions of Russia, as well as among Russian-born citizens living abroad, we have seen a significant spike over the past 15 years, particularly within recent months. And the trend only shows signs of accelerating, which is incredibly worrying.” Gerber went on to say that if not properly addressed, the issue could soon become a global health crisis, given similarly high mortality rates attributed to suspicious circumstances in China, Iran, and North Korea.

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