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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Study Finds You Irrelevant To Success Or Failure Of Bollywood Film ‘Zanjeer’

BALTIMORE—According to a new study released Monday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University’s Center for Advanced Media Studies, you are totally and utterly inconsequential to the success or failure of the upcoming Bollywood film Zanjeer. “Our data clearly indicates that, ultimately, your opinion on Zanjeer—whether positive, negative, or completely indifferent—will be of absolutely no consequence whatsoever to the ₹75 crore Indian action film’s performance at the box office,” said the report’s lead author Dr. Julianne Wright, confirming that the reputation of director Apoorva Lakhia will not hinge in the slightest upon whether you see the film or whether you are even aware of its existence. “According to the findings, you will have absolutely no impact on the future acting careers of Zanjeer stars Ram Charan and Priyanka Chopra, as well as supporting ensemble cast members Prakash Raj, Sanjay Dutt, and Atul Kulkarni. You are, simply put, a non-factor in whether this modern remake of Prakash Mehr’s classic 1973 action-thriller buoys or sinks Flying Turtle Films’ commercial fortunes.” Wright added that, despite the fact that you will play no role in the film’s critical or commercial reception, you should still see Zanjeer due to Charan’s riveting portrayal of Inspector Vijay Khanna, which is said to rival Amitabh Bachchan’s performance in the original.

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