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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Study Finds You Irrelevant To Success Or Failure Of Bollywood Film ‘Zanjeer’

BALTIMORE—According to a new study released Monday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University’s Center for Advanced Media Studies, you are totally and utterly inconsequential to the success or failure of the upcoming Bollywood film Zanjeer. “Our data clearly indicates that, ultimately, your opinion on Zanjeer—whether positive, negative, or completely indifferent—will be of absolutely no consequence whatsoever to the ₹75 crore Indian action film’s performance at the box office,” said the report’s lead author Dr. Julianne Wright, confirming that the reputation of director Apoorva Lakhia will not hinge in the slightest upon whether you see the film or whether you are even aware of its existence. “According to the findings, you will have absolutely no impact on the future acting careers of Zanjeer stars Ram Charan and Priyanka Chopra, as well as supporting ensemble cast members Prakash Raj, Sanjay Dutt, and Atul Kulkarni. You are, simply put, a non-factor in whether this modern remake of Prakash Mehr’s classic 1973 action-thriller buoys or sinks Flying Turtle Films’ commercial fortunes.” Wright added that, despite the fact that you will play no role in the film’s critical or commercial reception, you should still see Zanjeer due to Charan’s riveting portrayal of Inspector Vijay Khanna, which is said to rival Amitabh Bachchan’s performance in the original.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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