Study Finds You Irrelevant To Success Or Failure Of Bollywood Film ‘Zanjeer’

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Vol 49 Issue 34

Breaking Bad

AMC 9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT LeVar Burton takes children out to a river, where they catch rainbow trout and try to discern the fish’s personality just by how it flops around on the shore.

Monday, September 2

Due to budget cuts, beginning next week the library is replacing Movie Mondays with Blondie Comic–Reading Mondays.

$80,000 Wedding Beautiful

The Obama family adopts a 44-Year-Old Portuguese water man, a report shows that employers know within the first five minutes whether or not they will murder an applicant, and well, the neighbors just got a pitbull.

Chuck Klosterman Corners Guy At Party Wearing Dio Shirt

NEW YORK—Author Chuck Klosterman reportedly cornered a guy who was wearing a Dio shirt at a party Thursday evening and dominated an exhaustive discussion on the metal band, addressing the group’s fantasy themes, deconstructing lyrics, and expo...

Ben Affleck To Play Batman

The president of Warner Bros. announced yesterday that Ben Affleck will play the role of Batman in the 2015 sequel to this summer’s Man of Steel, in which Batman will join forces with Superman.
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Technology

Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Study Finds You Irrelevant To Success Or Failure Of Bollywood Film ‘Zanjeer’

BALTIMORE—According to a new study released Monday by researchers at Johns Hopkins University’s Center for Advanced Media Studies, you are totally and utterly inconsequential to the success or failure of the upcoming Bollywood film Zanjeer. “Our data clearly indicates that, ultimately, your opinion on Zanjeer—whether positive, negative, or completely indifferent—will be of absolutely no consequence whatsoever to the ₹75 crore Indian action film’s performance at the box office,” said the report’s lead author Dr. Julianne Wright, confirming that the reputation of director Apoorva Lakhia will not hinge in the slightest upon whether you see the film or whether you are even aware of its existence. “According to the findings, you will have absolutely no impact on the future acting careers of Zanjeer stars Ram Charan and Priyanka Chopra, as well as supporting ensemble cast members Prakash Raj, Sanjay Dutt, and Atul Kulkarni. You are, simply put, a non-factor in whether this modern remake of Prakash Mehr’s classic 1973 action-thriller buoys or sinks Flying Turtle Films’ commercial fortunes.” Wright added that, despite the fact that you will play no role in the film’s critical or commercial reception, you should still see Zanjeer due to Charan’s riveting portrayal of Inspector Vijay Khanna, which is said to rival Amitabh Bachchan’s performance in the original.

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