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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that no marine species posed a threat and the total domination of its habitat, a study released Wednesday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara revealed that the floating mass of trash known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now the ocean’s apex predator. “We examined various aquatic food chains from top to bottom and determined that no other species comes close to challenging the garbage patch’s supremacy in the northern Pacific Ocean,” said Dr. Rebecca Corson, adding that the Texas-sized expanse of discarded plastics and chemical sludge easily displaced such large carnivores as the tiger shark and orca whale from their former place atop the marine pecking order. “The garbage patch can thrive in every ocean climate and devours whatever is in its path, whether it is plants, animals, or thousands of discarded styrofoam takeout containers.” Corson added that at the current rate of growth, the buoyant mass of marine debris would surpass humans as earth’s most dominant force by 2045.

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