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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Study: High Times Not A Gateway Magazine To Harder Readings

NEW YORK—Casual readers of the marijuana-enthusiast magazine High Times are no more likely than non-readers to develop a habit for harder forms of reading, according to a study released Monday by the National Institutes of Health.

<i>High Times</i> is not a catalyst for more serious book use.

The findings raise significant doubts about the so-called "gateway magazine" theory, which claims that High Times readers run a higher risk of moving on to harder-hitting titles such as Time and Newsweek, or even mind-expanding publications like Scientific American.

"The conventional wisdom is that High Times users go on to experiment with harder-cover reading materials, becoming 'book junkies' who rummage through street bargain bins for a fix," said Dr. David Kunkel, the study's chief author.

"Our study has determined this to be wholly false. In fact, many of our test subjects were discovered to be borderline illiterate."

Researchers tracked the daily reading habits of 120 occasional and regular High Times readers and found that by the end of the eight-month study, none of the subjects had any interest in reading National Book Award finalists, historical nonfiction, or political biographies.

"Our study subjects were in no apparent danger of a literary overdose," said Kunkel.

The study did report, however, that some participants occasionally used over-the-counter books and magazines to help them fall asleep.

Kunkel said some of the participants had been chronic High Times readers in the 1970s, while others were new subscribers who had picked up their first issue just weeks before the study began.

"In not one instance," Kunkel said, "was anyone tempted, even by peer pressure, to experiment with harder reading."

The study found some evidence that long-term High Times exposure could put the peruser at increased risk for Maxim abuse. But, said Kunkel, evidence does not suggest that the sporadic reading of publications such as Lowrider magazine, Marijuana Grower's Inside Guide, and Let's Go Amsterdam indicated a larger trend toward more serious literacy.

A small percentage of study participants expressed familiarity with recreational books such as The Basketball Diaries, Naked Lunch, and the Tao Te Ching, but Kunkel and his researchers found participants read such books before becoming involved with High Times. "Many of them hadn't been injected with serious prose in five, 10, even 15 years," Kunkel said.

John P. Walters, director of the White House Office Of National Reading Control Policy, disputed the report's conclusions.

"We're kidding ourselves if we don't believe heavy book use is a major problem," Walters said. "We've all heard horror stories of young people not being able to put down Gravity's Rainbow. Thanks to book kingpins like Barnes & Noble, more and more Americans—even kids—are gaining wider access to stronger, more potent reading material. And once they've read a gateway publication like High Times, they're going to read whatever they want."

Added Walters: "It's sad but true: In America, you can find almost anything to read if you want it bad enough."

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