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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Study: Home Rotisseries Only American Technological Field Still Advancing

PASADENA, CA—Citing such cutting-edge advancements as integrated timers with automatic shut-off features, adjustable rotation speeds, and exterior handles that remain cool to the touch throughout cooking, a report released Tuesday by researchers at Caltech confirmed that home rotisserie technology is the only industry in the United States that continues to progress. “After extensive analysis of the nation’s manufacturing and high-tech sectors, we were able to conclude that American innovation is now exclusively limited to the development of countertop rotisserie appliances capable of slow-roasting as many as three full chickens or up to a 15-pound turkey in the convenience of one’s own kitchen,” said the study’s lead author Sara Pane, alleging that recent increases in U.S. GDP could be attributed almost entirely to the continued proliferation of fully dishwasher-safe rotisserie parts. “While American ingenuity has remained robust when it comes to producing restaurant-quality meat at home that browns evenly and retains its natural juices, we unfortunately can’t say the same about the nation’s mining, computer hardware, or motor vehicle industries.” Pane went on to warn, however, that ongoing advances in home rotisserie technology would be rendered largely irrelevant if the nation’s dipping sauce sector was unable to keep pace.

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God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

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