adBlockCheck

Recent News

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
End Of Section
  • More News

Study: Human Ability To Cooperate Most Strongly Exhibited When Ordering Pizza

ANN ARBOR, MI—Confirming that the process causes individuals to collaborate closely, reach compromises, and display empathy, a new study from the University of Michigan has found that the human ability to cooperate is never more strongly exhibited than when a group of people order a pizza. “Even among very large groups, we observed a remarkable behavioral dynamic in which choosing a place from which to order, selecting the size and number of pizzas, and placing a phone call led individuals to come together and work earnestly toward the fulfillment of mutual goals,” study co-author Linda Kolat said Wednesday, positing that the act of determining toppings may also be one of the few instances in which human beings genuinely listen carefully to what others are saying. “Furthermore, we witnessed numerous acts of generosity, with the group willing to forgo mushrooms, for example, if even one of its members expressed a distaste for it. People nearly always found ways to overcome their opposing tastes, often through skillful negotiations that resulted in ordering sausage on one half of the pie and just plain cheese on the other.” In addition, the study found that humans are never more divided than when attempting to determine how much they should chip in for the order, considering that some of them only ate two slices and didn’t even have any cheesy bread.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close