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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Study: Human Ability To Cooperate Most Strongly Exhibited When Ordering Pizza

ANN ARBOR, MI—Confirming that the process causes individuals to collaborate closely, reach compromises, and display empathy, a new study from the University of Michigan has found that the human ability to cooperate is never more strongly exhibited than when a group of people order a pizza. “Even among very large groups, we observed a remarkable behavioral dynamic in which choosing a place from which to order, selecting the size and number of pizzas, and placing a phone call led individuals to come together and work earnestly toward the fulfillment of mutual goals,” study co-author Linda Kolat said Wednesday, positing that the act of determining toppings may also be one of the few instances in which human beings genuinely listen carefully to what others are saying. “Furthermore, we witnessed numerous acts of generosity, with the group willing to forgo mushrooms, for example, if even one of its members expressed a distaste for it. People nearly always found ways to overcome their opposing tastes, often through skillful negotiations that resulted in ordering sausage on one half of the pie and just plain cheese on the other.” In addition, the study found that humans are never more divided than when attempting to determine how much they should chip in for the order, considering that some of them only ate two slices and didn’t even have any cheesy bread.

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