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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Study: Human Ability To Cooperate Most Strongly Exhibited When Ordering Pizza

ANN ARBOR, MI—Confirming that the process causes individuals to collaborate closely, reach compromises, and display empathy, a new study from the University of Michigan has found that the human ability to cooperate is never more strongly exhibited than when a group of people order a pizza. “Even among very large groups, we observed a remarkable behavioral dynamic in which choosing a place from which to order, selecting the size and number of pizzas, and placing a phone call led individuals to come together and work earnestly toward the fulfillment of mutual goals,” study co-author Linda Kolat said Wednesday, positing that the act of determining toppings may also be one of the few instances in which human beings genuinely listen carefully to what others are saying. “Furthermore, we witnessed numerous acts of generosity, with the group willing to forgo mushrooms, for example, if even one of its members expressed a distaste for it. People nearly always found ways to overcome their opposing tastes, often through skillful negotiations that resulted in ordering sausage on one half of the pie and just plain cheese on the other.” In addition, the study found that humans are never more divided than when attempting to determine how much they should chip in for the order, considering that some of them only ate two slices and didn’t even have any cheesy bread.

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