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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Study: Human Hearing Most Acute When Listening To Arguing Parents From Top Of Stairs

ELMHURST, IL—A study released Wednesday by the American Hearing Research Foundation has found that humans’ sense of hearing is most acute when listening to an argument between one’s parents from the top of a staircase. “According to our research, human auditory acuity reaches its peak when subjects quietly sneak out of their bedrooms at night and either sit down on the top stair or press their faces between the balusters of the railing as their parents exchange heated words in the kitchen below,” said study author Gordon Humphries, noting that these heightened auditory capabilities allow individuals to effortlessly block out all other sources of noise in order to clearly perceive the sound waves generated by one’s mother saying, “I just can’t do this anymore.” “Under these circumstances, humans display a remarkable ability to distinguish even those arguments spoken in a hushed or whispered tone, particularly those containing the words ‘divorce,’ ‘separation,’ ‘custody,’ or the subject’s own name.” Researchers said subjects’ auditory abilities may grow even more acute in the hours after overhearing the initial argument, with subjects reportedly capable of making out their father sobbing as softly as 10 decibels through a bedroom wall.

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