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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Study: Human Hearing Most Acute When Listening To Arguing Parents From Top Of Stairs

ELMHURST, IL—A study released Wednesday by the American Hearing Research Foundation has found that humans’ sense of hearing is most acute when listening to an argument between one’s parents from the top of a staircase. “According to our research, human auditory acuity reaches its peak when subjects quietly sneak out of their bedrooms at night and either sit down on the top stair or press their faces between the balusters of the railing as their parents exchange heated words in the kitchen below,” said study author Gordon Humphries, noting that these heightened auditory capabilities allow individuals to effortlessly block out all other sources of noise in order to clearly perceive the sound waves generated by one’s mother saying, “I just can’t do this anymore.” “Under these circumstances, humans display a remarkable ability to distinguish even those arguments spoken in a hushed or whispered tone, particularly those containing the words ‘divorce,’ ‘separation,’ ‘custody,’ or the subject’s own name.” Researchers said subjects’ auditory abilities may grow even more acute in the hours after overhearing the initial argument, with subjects reportedly capable of making out their father sobbing as softly as 10 decibels through a bedroom wall.

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