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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Study: Human Hearing Most Acute When Listening To Arguing Parents From Top Of Stairs

ELMHURST, IL—A study released Wednesday by the American Hearing Research Foundation has found that humans’ sense of hearing is most acute when listening to an argument between one’s parents from the top of a staircase. “According to our research, human auditory acuity reaches its peak when subjects quietly sneak out of their bedrooms at night and either sit down on the top stair or press their faces between the balusters of the railing as their parents exchange heated words in the kitchen below,” said study author Gordon Humphries, noting that these heightened auditory capabilities allow individuals to effortlessly block out all other sources of noise in order to clearly perceive the sound waves generated by one’s mother saying, “I just can’t do this anymore.” “Under these circumstances, humans display a remarkable ability to distinguish even those arguments spoken in a hushed or whispered tone, particularly those containing the words ‘divorce,’ ‘separation,’ ‘custody,’ or the subject’s own name.” Researchers said subjects’ auditory abilities may grow even more acute in the hours after overhearing the initial argument, with subjects reportedly capable of making out their father sobbing as softly as 10 decibels through a bedroom wall.

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