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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Study Links Adult-Male Smiling To Extremely Overweight Men Scoring Touchdowns

PHILADELPHIA—A study released Monday by the University of Pennsylvania Department of Psychology revealed a direct correlation between smiling in adult American males and the scoring of touchdowns by incredibly large or obese football players. "The initial results of the study proved that adult males offer at least a smirk at the sight of any extremely overweight man's head squished into a helmet," said Dr. Caroline Nissen, who directed the study. "But without fail, if that man happens to recover a turnover and begins to run with the ball, the size of the observer's smile grows exponentially, especially if the plump athlete attempts to jump over anything. By the time the obese player scores, literally every adult male we studied was grinning to the limits of his ability." Thus far, the study is being heralded by the medical community as a potential cure-all for males suffering from chronic depression.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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