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Universe Crueler, More Uncaring Place Than Previously Thought

The universe, long known as a bleak and unforgiving place where essentially nothing matters, is in fact even crueler and more heartless than previously thought, according to a startling report published Tuesday by scientists at the Institute for Advanced ...

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Study Links Adult-Male Smiling To Extremely Overweight Men Scoring Touchdowns

PHILADELPHIA—A study released Monday by the University of Pennsylvania Department of Psychology revealed a direct correlation between smiling in adult American males and the scoring of touchdowns by incredibly large or obese football players. "The initial results of the study proved that adult males offer at least a smirk at the sight of any extremely overweight man's head squished into a helmet," said Dr. Caroline Nissen, who directed the study. "But without fail, if that man happens to recover a turnover and begins to run with the ball, the size of the observer's smile grows exponentially, especially if the plump athlete attempts to jump over anything. By the time the obese player scores, literally every adult male we studied was grinning to the limits of his ability." Thus far, the study is being heralded by the medical community as a potential cure-all for males suffering from chronic depression.

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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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