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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Study Links Adult-Male Smiling To Extremely Overweight Men Scoring Touchdowns

PHILADELPHIA—A study released Monday by the University of Pennsylvania Department of Psychology revealed a direct correlation between smiling in adult American males and the scoring of touchdowns by incredibly large or obese football players. "The initial results of the study proved that adult males offer at least a smirk at the sight of any extremely overweight man's head squished into a helmet," said Dr. Caroline Nissen, who directed the study. "But without fail, if that man happens to recover a turnover and begins to run with the ball, the size of the observer's smile grows exponentially, especially if the plump athlete attempts to jump over anything. By the time the obese player scores, literally every adult male we studied was grinning to the limits of his ability." Thus far, the study is being heralded by the medical community as a potential cure-all for males suffering from chronic depression.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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