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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Study Links Binge Eating To Stress, Contentment, Depression, Joy, Boredom, Anger, Relaxation

DURHAM, NC—Providing insight into the potential causes underlying the unhealthy behavior, a Duke University study released Wednesday has discovered a strong correlation between binge eating and feelings of stress, contentment, depression, joy, boredom, anger, and relaxation. “Our data indicate that a highly positive, negative, or completely neutral emotional state is associated with a drastic increase in the quantity of food a person will consume in a single sitting,” said the study’s lead author, Helen Ermel, who noted that feelings of anxiety, self-confidence, embarrassment, grief, relief, hostility, composure, envy, pity, pride, and regret were also found to be linked to overeating. “We observed that subjects are likely to eat twice or even three times as much as is considered healthy if they have a particularly heavy workload, if they have absolutely no work to do at all, if they are satisfied with the direction in which their career and relationships are going, if they feel their life is meaningless and all their efforts have thus far been useless, if they’ve had a long and mentally taxing day, if they’ve had a pleasant or rewarding experience, or if they just woke up. And these correlations appear to be extremely robust.” The study further found that people are most prone to overeat during lunch, breakfast, dinner, brunch, afternoon or late-night snacking, and dessert.

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