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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Study Links Drinking While Pregnant To Being At Kid Rock Concert

ROCHESTER, MN—A comprehensive five-year study conducted by researchers at the Mayo Clinic has identified a strong link between heavy drinking during pregnancy and attending a public performance by Detroit-based rap-rocker Kid Rock, officials confirmed Wednesday. “Our survey found that expectant mothers who consumed hard liquor were far more likely to be at a Kid Rock concert than a control group who did not drink,” said Dr. Lawrence Talmage, whose research also indicated that 78.3 percent of women who drank to intoxication while pregnant were wearing shredded T-shirts and riding atop the presumed father’s shoulders during encores of “All Summer Long” and “Bawitdaba.” “Across all three trimesters, drinking three or more alcoholic beverages in less than an hour was highly correlated with going backstage at a Kid Rock show and then getting into a fistfight with another woman in the parking lot.” The study also suggested that combining recreational drug use with drinking during pregnancy made women twice as likely to scream “Sign my titty!” outside the band’s tour bus.

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