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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Study Links Drinking While Pregnant To Being At Kid Rock Concert

ROCHESTER, MN—A comprehensive five-year study conducted by researchers at the Mayo Clinic has identified a strong link between heavy drinking during pregnancy and attending a public performance by Detroit-based rap-rocker Kid Rock, officials confirmed Wednesday. “Our survey found that expectant mothers who consumed hard liquor were far more likely to be at a Kid Rock concert than a control group who did not drink,” said Dr. Lawrence Talmage, whose research also indicated that 78.3 percent of women who drank to intoxication while pregnant were wearing shredded T-shirts and riding atop the presumed father’s shoulders during encores of “All Summer Long” and “Bawitdaba.” “Across all three trimesters, drinking three or more alcoholic beverages in less than an hour was highly correlated with going backstage at a Kid Rock show and then getting into a fistfight with another woman in the parking lot.” The study also suggested that combining recreational drug use with drinking during pregnancy made women twice as likely to scream “Sign my titty!” outside the band’s tour bus.

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