Study Links Meat, Sugar Consumption To Early Death Among Those Who Choose To Be Happy In Life

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Tips For Conquering Phobias

Even the most rational, clear-thinking adults can have anxieties that interfere with their routine, and learning to manage them is key to living a life free from fear. Here are The Onion’s tips for conquering your phobias:

Man’s Body Running Out Of Ideas To Convince Him He Full

BAYTOWN, TX—Having repeatedly ratcheted up the 34-year-old’s level of discomfort with no noticeable effect on his behavior, the body of local man Kent Dugan confirmed Wednesday that it was starting to run out of ideas to convince him that he was full.

Grown Adult Actually Expects To Be Happy

NORMAL, IL—Despite possessing a fully developed brain and a general awareness of the fundamental nature of existence, sources said Rob Peterson, 37, apparently continues to believe that achieving long-lasting happiness is somehow possible.
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