adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
End Of Section
  • More News

Study Links Meat, Sugar Consumption To Early Death Among Those Who Choose To Be Happy In Life

WASHINGTON—According to a study published Wednesday in the Journal Of The American Medical Association, researchers have discovered a strong correlation between regular meat and sugar consumption and premature death among those who choose to lead happy and fulfilling lives. “Our data indicate that people who eat large amounts of red meat and saccharides have, on average, markedly shorter and more satisfying life spans,” said the study’s lead author, Aubrey Schrader, adding that frequent ingestion of animal protein, chocolate, and sweetened snacks and beverages lowered the average age of onset of diabetes, heart disease, and cancer for those who take pleasure in their daily existence. “Evidence from our study suggests that diets rich in prime rib, pulled pork, strawberry cheesecake, flank steak, and Snickers bars were directly related to younger ages at death among men and women who embraced their life and made the absolute most of their time on earth. Moreover, these individuals appeared to exhibit a greater peace in dying, able to pass on without any regrets in their lives whatsoever.” The study also revealed that the loved ones of those who passed away prematurely and contented were typically far better suited to handle their grief due to their high levels of alcohol consumption.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close