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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Study: Major Shift In Media Landscape Occurs Every 6 Seconds

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—A study published Tuesday by Rutgers University’s Center for Media Studies reported that a major shift in the media landscape occurs approximately once every six seconds, confirming that the way information is transmitted and received in our culture is radically altered over 10 separate times in one minute. “Based on our research, we can now confirm that in the span of just one day, the conventions of the media as we know it will transform thousands of times, with over 800 reinventions of the rules of journalism in the digital age, 450 completely new ways of looking at how news is disseminated, 900 shifts in the way people and media institutions interact and share information, and 8,000 game-changing technological breakthroughs that will forever change how the word ‘media’ itself is defined,” said Professor of Media Studies Roger Scherer, noting that the study did not account for the 64 total paradigm shifts in the media landscape that have occurred in the hours since its release. “We also know that every four seconds, new social trends cause the rise of new spheres of global interaction, which we all—every single one of us—must adapt to within minutes.” A follow-up study later confirmed that this article, the social media site used to access this article, and the person reading this article are all part of a vastly outdated mode of communication.

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