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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Study: Majority Of Americans Fantasize About Other Countries During National Anthem

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice was not uncommon even among the most patriotic individuals, a new study published Monday in the journal Qualitative Psychology found that more than half of Americans fantasize about other countries during the national anthem. “While it’s not often talked about openly, we found that a significant number of people admit to only mouthing the words to ‘The Star Spangled Banner’ while imagining another, more attractive country hundreds of miles away with a higher GDP and a modern, well-maintained infrastructure,” said lead researcher Beatrice T. Owen, adding that many participants admitted they absentmindedly mumbled bits and pieces of the song while lost in a daydream about Vancouver’s spectacular skyline or Finland’s renowned educational system. “Based on the data, it seems there’s hardly anyone who isn’t picturing a tropical South Pacific island or a Western European nation with a strict 30-hour workweek and paid, state-mandated maternity leave as they mechanically go through the motions of ‘O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.’” Owen emphasized, however, that fantasizing about other countries was a perfectly healthy part of citizenship, and that it was only a problem if a person acted on it.

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