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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Study: Majority Of New Marine Life Species Now Discovered While Cleaning Oil Spills

WOODS HOLE, MA—Saying such periodic events have vastly expanded the scientific community’s understanding of oceanic biodiversity, a study released this week by the Woods Hole Marine Biological Laboratory determined that a significant majority of new marine species are now discovered while cleaning oil spills. “After surveying thousands of scientific papers, our team determined that 68 percent of all aquatic birds, fish, marine reptiles, mollusks, and corals discovered over the past 50 years were first identified and cataloged after volunteers painstakingly cleaned the thick, heavy coating of crude oil from them using a toothbrush and noticed their markings and morphology were unlike anything on record,” said researcher Sandra Schultz, who confirmed that over 5,000 species previously unknown to science have been identified in the Gulf of Mexico alone since 2010. “In fact, the average trash bag that a cleanup worker uses to collect the sludge-coated remains of animals that wash ashore typically contains at least one entirely new subspecies of shorebird, sea turtle, or crustacean. Once all the tar is fully removed from the animals’ skin, eyes, and lungs, they become prized specimens for study.” Schultz noted, however, that most of the new species that are discovered amid vast oil slicks are concurrently found to be extinct.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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