adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Study: Majority Of New Marine Life Species Now Discovered While Cleaning Oil Spills

WOODS HOLE, MA—Saying such periodic events have vastly expanded the scientific community’s understanding of oceanic biodiversity, a study released this week by the Woods Hole Marine Biological Laboratory determined that a significant majority of new marine species are now discovered while cleaning oil spills. “After surveying thousands of scientific papers, our team determined that 68 percent of all aquatic birds, fish, marine reptiles, mollusks, and corals discovered over the past 50 years were first identified and cataloged after volunteers painstakingly cleaned the thick, heavy coating of crude oil from them using a toothbrush and noticed their markings and morphology were unlike anything on record,” said researcher Sandra Schultz, who confirmed that over 5,000 species previously unknown to science have been identified in the Gulf of Mexico alone since 2010. “In fact, the average trash bag that a cleanup worker uses to collect the sludge-coated remains of animals that wash ashore typically contains at least one entirely new subspecies of shorebird, sea turtle, or crustacean. Once all the tar is fully removed from the animals’ skin, eyes, and lungs, they become prized specimens for study.” Schultz noted, however, that most of the new species that are discovered amid vast oil slicks are concurrently found to be extinct.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close