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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Study: Majority Of 'Calm Downs' Ineffective

ITHACA, NY—A study published recently in the Journal Of Mental Health found that attempting to reverse a loud emotional display by asking an individual to calm down was effective only 9 percent of the time. Researchers at Cornell University's behavioral lab induced anxiety in subjects by administering a series of electric shocks, after which everyone was told to "calm down" and "take it easy." "We were surprised to find that not only were these phrases ineffective, but in an overwhelming number of cases they actually exacerbated the situation," psychologist Kenneth Pulaski said. "Even when participants were told to 'just take a deep breath,' they became more and more irate and were eventually reduced to a screaming mess." The study also concluded that telling someone to "just mellow out" would invariably lead to a researcher being punched in the face.

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