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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Study: Majority Of Highlights Boring

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA—A three-year study of highlights across all major sports concluded that 94 percent of televised top plays and incredible displays of skill were in fact pretty boring. "Our data, accumulated by interviews and surveys of more than 600 sports fans watching an average of two hours of highlights a day, show that once you've seen one big dunk, long touchdown run, amazing college-football reception, or game-saving snow-cone catch, you've pretty much seen them all, really," said Leslie Timms, a researcher at the John Curley Center for Sports Journalism at Penn State University. "Without the larger context of the games in which they're actually played, most highlights have little emotional impact whatsoever. Especially home runs. Christ, our study confirmed there is nothing more boring than watching a bunch of home runs. 'Watch the ball go far, far away!' Who gives a shit?" The Curley Center also courted controversy last year with its findings that fantasy sports were for pathetic losers who would rather read a stat column than actually watch a game.

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