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Study: Majority Of Highlights Boring

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Study: Majority Of Highlights Boring

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA—A three-year study of highlights across all major sports concluded that 94 percent of televised top plays and incredible displays of skill were in fact pretty boring. "Our data, accumulated by interviews and surveys of more than 600 sports fans watching an average of two hours of highlights a day, show that once you've seen one big dunk, long touchdown run, amazing college-football reception, or game-saving snow-cone catch, you've pretty much seen them all, really," said Leslie Timms, a researcher at the John Curley Center for Sports Journalism at Penn State University. "Without the larger context of the games in which they're actually played, most highlights have little emotional impact whatsoever. Especially home runs. Christ, our study confirmed there is nothing more boring than watching a bunch of home runs. 'Watch the ball go far, far away!' Who gives a shit?" The Curley Center also courted controversy last year with its findings that fantasy sports were for pathetic losers who would rather read a stat column than actually watch a game.

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