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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Study: Majority Of Highlights Boring

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA—A three-year study of highlights across all major sports concluded that 94 percent of televised top plays and incredible displays of skill were in fact pretty boring. "Our data, accumulated by interviews and surveys of more than 600 sports fans watching an average of two hours of highlights a day, show that once you've seen one big dunk, long touchdown run, amazing college-football reception, or game-saving snow-cone catch, you've pretty much seen them all, really," said Leslie Timms, a researcher at the John Curley Center for Sports Journalism at Penn State University. "Without the larger context of the games in which they're actually played, most highlights have little emotional impact whatsoever. Especially home runs. Christ, our study confirmed there is nothing more boring than watching a bunch of home runs. 'Watch the ball go far, far away!' Who gives a shit?" The Curley Center also courted controversy last year with its findings that fantasy sports were for pathetic losers who would rather read a stat column than actually watch a game.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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