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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Study: Majority Of Highlights Boring

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA—A three-year study of highlights across all major sports concluded that 94 percent of televised top plays and incredible displays of skill were in fact pretty boring. "Our data, accumulated by interviews and surveys of more than 600 sports fans watching an average of two hours of highlights a day, show that once you've seen one big dunk, long touchdown run, amazing college-football reception, or game-saving snow-cone catch, you've pretty much seen them all, really," said Leslie Timms, a researcher at the John Curley Center for Sports Journalism at Penn State University. "Without the larger context of the games in which they're actually played, most highlights have little emotional impact whatsoever. Especially home runs. Christ, our study confirmed there is nothing more boring than watching a bunch of home runs. 'Watch the ball go far, far away!' Who gives a shit?" The Curley Center also courted controversy last year with its findings that fantasy sports were for pathetic losers who would rather read a stat column than actually watch a game.

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