After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Study: More Children Growing Up In Single-Parrot Households

WASHINGTON—A study released Tuesday by the U.S. Census Bureau revealed that over 10 million American children are now being raised in single-parrot households, up almost 50 percent from a decade ago. “Whereas the traditional two-parrot family used to be the norm, an increasing number of U.S. children are now growing up with only one parrot in the home,” read the study, which found no correlation between the number of parrots and a child’s success later in life. “Contrary to popular perceptions, the study found that children who grow up with only one parrot have similar communication skills, vocabulary sizes, and access to colorful hanging bells compared to their dual-parrot counterparts. What matters is not the number of parrots, but the quality of the parrot-child relationship.” The study further noted that nearly 2 million American children are now being raised in households with two same-sex parrots.

After Birth

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