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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Study: Online Content Creators Outnumber Consumers 2,000 To 1

WASHINGTON—According to a study published Monday by the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, for every person who reads, listens to, or watches some form of media on the internet, there are approximately 2,000 individuals engaged in creating new online content. “In terms of web-based entertainment, journalism, and personal opinion pieces, creators now outnumber consumers by a factor of several hundred thousand percent—meaning that for every one viewer, there are dozens of fully staffed companies churning out articles, videos, blogs, vlogs, and countless social media posts hoping to lure that person to click,” said bureau commissioner Erica Groshen, adding that during each minute of online video streamed by a consumer, another whole lifetime’s worth of video content is uploaded. “Furthermore, our analysis found that the massive increase in internet usage over the past two decades was due almost entirely to people going online to publish text or images they themselves had produced and then repeatedly hitting the refresh button to see if anyone else has looked at their work.” Reports later confirmed that the six people who worked on this article are the only ones currently reading it.

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