adBlockCheck

Local

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Study: Only 4 Scenic Routes Left In Country

WASHINGTON—The Department of Transportation released the findings of a new study Thursday indicating that in the entire continental United States, only four scenic routes suitable for nice, meandering drives and aesthetically pleasing roadside views still exist. "A recent expansion of Cracker Barrel restaurants cost us three scenic routes last year, with two others falling to people chucking used diapers out their car windows," said Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood, pointing to a map depicting the four stretches of road that remain unblemished by development. "If you want to get away from it all and clear your head with a drive through the countryside, you'd better do it at these locations, preferably in next three months." In the course of the press conference, one remaining scenic route located in Wisconsin was rezoned to facilitate the construction of a methane-emissions plant.

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close