The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.
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Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird. “From family structure to politics to recreational activities, our survey of over 100 nations around the world found that other countries are strange and different, and don’t do things the normal way,” said lead author Nathan Bartz, noting that people in other countries dress pretty crazy, don’t listen to regular music, and drive cars that are kind of odd. “The research also strongly suggested that people in other countries usually talk weird and eat different things, and have some really bizarre-looking buildings—none of which should be surprising, given how weird these people behave as a whole.” Bartz went on to say, however, that England is actually kind of normal, but still has some weird stuff.

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