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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Study: Red Meat Takes Years Off Of Cow's Life

WASHINGTON—Confirming years of speculation, a new study from the U.S. Department of Agriculture's National Animal Health Monitoring System has found that red meat significantly increases the risk of premature death in cows. "Our research suggests that by having red meat, a cow's life can be shortened by as many as 10 years, sometimes more," Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack said in an interview with CNN Tuesday. "Unfortunately, in some cases, even just a single daily serving of red meat can hurt a cow's chances of surviving past the earliest stage of life." On a more positive note, researchers found that other high-protein foods like milk, cheese, and butter only decrease a cow's life by 7 to 9 years.

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