After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Study: Retired Dads Busier Than Ever

NEW YORK—A recent survey published in AARP The Magazine indicates that 95 percent of the nation's retired dads are in fact "busier than ever," despite the absence of meaningful, full-time employment.

"I tell you, I've been spending so much time getting blanking plugs for the house's unused electrical outlets that I hardly even have time to make lists of other things to do," said former heart surgeon Gerald Jessop, 65, who admitted that he would like to be able to relax and enjoy his retirement, but with all the pictures to rearrange in his house it is nearly impossible. "And don't get me started on my how many hours I have to spend cleaning the mildew out of the bird feeder. Christ, that's a full-time job in and of itself."

According to the survey, the five percent of retired fathers who do not consider themselves busier than ever reportedly do not have hedges, drawers full of loose batteries, ants getting in through the foundation, or a basement that can be partially converted into some kind of room.

After Birth

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