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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Study Reveals Majority Of Suicides Occur While Trying To Put Fitted Sheet On Bed

BALTIMORE—According to a study published Monday in Psychological Bulletin, more than 83 percent of suicides take place when an individual is faced with the task of putting a fitted sheet onto a mattress. "In the majority of these cases, people end their lives after trying in vain to get the short side of the sheet onto the long side of the bed, and at least one-third kill themselves after struggling with the final corner only to realize it is their own body weight preventing the sheet from stretching far enough," said Johns Hopkins University psychologist Dr. Khalil Mazarhi, adding that suicide victims are usually discovered in close proximity to fitted sheets that are either partially covering a mattress or balled up in a corner of the room. "The tragic irony of this phenomenon is that a significant number of people will actually use the sheet to hang themselves." The study concludes with a recommendation that, for personal safety, fitted sheets only be handled when a second person is present.

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Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

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