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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Study: Shoving, Yelling Makes Things Go Faster 76% Of Time

TUCSON, AZ—Researchers at the University of Arizona released a study Monday showing a causal relationship between raising one's voice, pushing people in the chest, and getting what you want more quickly. "These results certainly go against common wisdom," said visibly bruised and flustered sociologist Renée Pfaff, who found that subjects in the so-called "jerk group" received rewards an average of 45 seconds faster. "Once we ran out of the rewards, the participants began shaking down our research assistants for money." The study also concluded that gratuitous swearing accelerated the process by as much as 40 percent.

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