ARIES: Your health continues to decline as your skin becomes too sensitive to endure sunlight and your soul remains too sensitive to endure dark, smoky bars.
DURHAM, NC—According to a study published Tuesday in the Journal Of Neuroscience, snapping three times in rapid succession is the most effective method for remembering the names of films and actors that have slipped one's mind. "When denied access to IMDb, subjects who were able to correctly remember semi-obscure movie trivia invariably used the tri-snapping method," head researcher Dr. Ward Connell said of the study, which consisted of asking volunteers several questions pertaining to a photograph of Dermot Mulroney. "Secondary findings indicate that using the word 'um' and phrases such as 'oh, you know' enhance the efficacy of this method by nearly 35 percent, and those who used expletives were on average three times more successful." Additional evidence has suggested the snapping technique may be linked to the effectiveness of loudly narrating one's previous activities while attempting to find misplaced keys.