adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Study: U.S. Best Place For Women To Buy Jeans

WASHINGTON—For the 17th straight year, a comprehensive international study conducted by the Pew Research Center has ranked the United States as the best nation in which to buy women's jeans. "Among key women's-jeans criteria such as affordability, ease of purchase, and trustworthiness of available brand names, the U.S. surpasses all other nations," study head Dr. Kenneth Wiseman announced at a press conference Thursday. "Furthermore, with over 80,000 retail locations across the 50 states offering everything from custom curve fits to boot cuts to the newer 'skinny' and 'legging' styles, America firmly dominates the overall women's-jeans-shopping experience." For men's jeans, Moldova remained in the top spot.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close