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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Study: U.S. Best Place For Women To Buy Jeans

WASHINGTON—For the 17th straight year, a comprehensive international study conducted by the Pew Research Center has ranked the United States as the best nation in which to buy women's jeans. "Among key women's-jeans criteria such as affordability, ease of purchase, and trustworthiness of available brand names, the U.S. surpasses all other nations," study head Dr. Kenneth Wiseman announced at a press conference Thursday. "Furthermore, with over 80,000 retail locations across the 50 states offering everything from custom curve fits to boot cuts to the newer 'skinny' and 'legging' styles, America firmly dominates the overall women's-jeans-shopping experience." For men's jeans, Moldova remained in the top spot.

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