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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Study: U.S. Best Place For Women To Buy Jeans

WASHINGTON—For the 17th straight year, a comprehensive international study conducted by the Pew Research Center has ranked the United States as the best nation in which to buy women's jeans. "Among key women's-jeans criteria such as affordability, ease of purchase, and trustworthiness of available brand names, the U.S. surpasses all other nations," study head Dr. Kenneth Wiseman announced at a press conference Thursday. "Furthermore, with over 80,000 retail locations across the 50 states offering everything from custom curve fits to boot cuts to the newer 'skinny' and 'legging' styles, America firmly dominates the overall women's-jeans-shopping experience." For men's jeans, Moldova remained in the top spot.

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