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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Study: U.S. Best Place For Women To Buy Jeans

WASHINGTON—For the 17th straight year, a comprehensive international study conducted by the Pew Research Center has ranked the United States as the best nation in which to buy women's jeans. "Among key women's-jeans criteria such as affordability, ease of purchase, and trustworthiness of available brand names, the U.S. surpasses all other nations," study head Dr. Kenneth Wiseman announced at a press conference Thursday. "Furthermore, with over 80,000 retail locations across the 50 states offering everything from custom curve fits to boot cuts to the newer 'skinny' and 'legging' styles, America firmly dominates the overall women's-jeans-shopping experience." For men's jeans, Moldova remained in the top spot.

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