North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
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Study: U.S. Pets' Healthcare Better Than Rwandan Humans'

PHILADELPHIA–A University of Pennsylvania study released Monday found that U.S. pets enjoy superior healthcare to that of Rwandan humans.

Renal surgeon Dr. Timothy Verstegen performs a kidney transplant on an Akron, OH, cocker spaniel.

The five-year study, which compared the medical care of 2,500 U.S. dogs, cats, hamsters and parakeets to that of 2,500 humans in the Rwandan capital of Kigali, found that the Rwandans were edged out in every category.

"America's pet lovers can rejoice knowing that their precious, furry companions are well taken care of," study co-chair Dr. Nate Gotcher said.

Among the good news for U.S. animals: America has 15 veterinarians per 1,000 dogs, compared to Rwanda's one doctor per 1,000 humans. The infant-mortality rate among U.S. cats is 7 per 1,000 live births, compared to 119 per 1,000 live births among Rwandan humans.

"When the infection started to spread to my upper leg, they had to amputate," said Rwandan Kasongo Tshikapa, whose left leg was removed in May 1997 after he stepped on a piece of rusted scrap metal. "The surgery took five hours, and there was no anesthesia. The operation was performed by my brother-in-law, who has experience as a carpenter. Eight men had to hold me down."

Added Tshikapa: "If only I were a border collie in America."

According to Dr. Wendy Hentrich of the American Association of Veterinary Medicine, new breakthroughs in animal medicine are being made every day.

"The last few years have seen so many exciting advances in high-tech health care for pets," said Hentrich, also chief of cardiology at UCLA's Veterinary Hospital. "For example, at UCLA, we've developed a balloon angioplasty technique that can open a cat's deformed cardiac valves. A catheter is passed into the deformed valve, then a balloon is inflated, allowing blood to pass more freely. This painless, revolutionary procedure has already been used to save the lives of thousands of beautiful, lovable cats."

Rwandan doctors remove the infected right foot of Solwezi Tshibwika.

Such breakthroughs, along with advances in the prevention of diseases like feline leukemia, have caused the average life expectancy of U.S. cats to rise to 18.6 years, which, when converted to human years, is substantially higher than the Rwandan life expectancy of 38.8.

"If I do not have medicine soon, I will die," said Ndola Iringa, who contracted malaria five weeks ago during an outbreak of the disease in her village. "My sister and three of my brothers have died already. The convulsions are getting worse."

As a result of the study, Rwandan physicians are beginning to look toward U.S. petcare policy for ways to improve their own healthcare system. "In America, many dog foods contain nutritional supplements for healthy teeth and gums, as well as a lustrous, glowing coat," Rwandan physician Mbeya Liwale said. "Perhaps such supplements, if they could somehow be found here in Rwanda, could be put to use reducing the death tolls brought on by mass famine and genocide."

"I just don't know what I would do without my Muffin," said Palo Alto, CA, resident Gloria Shifrin, whose 6-year-old Welsh corgi had a grapefruit-sized tumor removed from her chest Monday and must undergo five weeks of chemotherapy. "But, thank God, the cancer is in remission, and it looks like she's going to be all right. No dog should have to go through this."

More from this section

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

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