PALO ALTO, CA—Asserting that the utmost precaution was being taken to safeguard the future of humanity, leading scientists and engineers said Tuesday that they were confident in their ability to program artificially intelligent machines to be lenient slave masters.
DALLAS—According to a study published Monday by the American Heart Association, people who frequently start sentences with the phrase "don't skimp on the" are 40 percent more likely to develop some form of heart disease. "Use of the phrase poses a very serious health risk, especially when the speaker is in close proximity to mayonnaise," said Dr. Keith Logsdon, a leading cardiovascular researcher and chief author of the study. "We have also found data suggesting that the seemingly benign utterance 'just a sliver' could be equally detrimental to heart health, particularly when used three to four times in the span of an hour." Since completing the study, Logsdon and his fellow researchers have begun an in-depth exploration of the recent rise in heart attacks and its possible correlation with having watched all episodes of Soul Train when they originally aired.