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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Study: Whites To Be Minority In Donaldson Family By 2027

AVONDALE, AZ—According to new projections released Monday, the white members of the Donaldson family are expected to find themselves in the minority by 2027. "Thanks to continued illegal immigration and increasing birth rates, the number of nonwhite ethnicities within the Donaldsons is expected to reach 18 percent by 2021," confirmed demographer Dr. James Lanier, who reached his projected figure soon after Juan proposed to Marcy in late March. "Once Grandma June finally passes, and Rich and Kim fly abroad to finalize their adoption, that number will spike even higher." Researchers also estimated the fastest growing population group among the Donaldsons would be Asians, due primarily to Kevin's dating habits.

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