adBlockCheck

Study: Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else

Top Headlines

Recent News

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Study: Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else

Researchers say this is what is happening 100 percent of the time when women don't answer their phones.
Researchers say this is what is happening 100 percent of the time when women don't answer their phones.

BLOOMINGTON, IN—A new study released Monday by sociologists at Indiana University found that women will always answer their telephones unless mind-blowing sex with a man other than the caller prevents them from doing so.

The findings were consistent across all demographic groups in a sampling of 500 females between the ages of 18 to 35, which included women who were romantically involved with the caller but had requested some time apart to clear their heads, as well as women who had dated the caller briefly but assumed it was understood by both parties that the relationship had not worked out.

"No matter who they were, or what their perceived or actual relationship with the male caller was, women who failed to pick up the phone were statistically all but certain to be deep in the throes of coital passion with one or more virile lovers at the time of the call," researcher Patrick Berger said. "In addition, a vast majority of the female participants we observed had seemingly forgotten all about the relationship they once had with the caller, and were, in fact, completely consumed by the vaginal gratification they were currently receiving."

"A type of gratification they would hesitate to even call 'sex,' since it was so much more intense and transcendent than any kind of sex they had experienced before," Berger added.

The study revealed that 80 percent of the time, women who declined to answer their phones were, at that very moment, being sexually pleasured by a man superior to the caller in terms of looks, genital endowment, and stamina. Researchers also found that a majority of women picked up the phone, examined the caller ID, and told their male lover "It's nobody" before continuing with sexual intercourse.

In another 15 percent of cases, female research subjects had just journeyed to a land of pure sexual delight with another man and were, at the time the phone rang, smoking a cigarette while letting their fingertips graze over the unusually thick penis that had just brought them to, on average, four orgasms. The remaining 5 percent of non-answerers consisted of women who were stimulating their own genitals, either while talking on the phone to another man, instant-messaging another man, or simply imagining another man who had sexually turned them inside out on a recent occasion.

"It's true that in a negligible number of cases, women did not answer because their cell battery had legitimately died," Berger said. "But in each instance, they had either failed to charge their phone because they'd spent the night in someone else's apartment, or had used up their battery's power sending pictures of their naked body to another man."

The study emphasized that while women who failed to answer the phone were almost unquestionably with someone else enjoying the most volcanic sensual escapade they'd ever had, there was also the possibility that they were busy gazing deeply into another man's eyes, knowing and feeling a type of love they had never known or felt before.

"In many cases, during the time of the call, the woman was spending the afternoon with the man at that museum she's always wanted to visit, afterward watching the sunset from the deck of the man's boat," said social psychologist Michael Corbin, a coauthor of the study. "In each case, the woman didn't want a ringtone ruining a moment of true spiritual connection with the first man she had ever really, truly loved with all her heart."

"Sex, however, always occurred subsequently," Corbin added.

According to the researchers, the findings of this latest study are fully consistent with their previous behavioral investigations.

"Our prior research has already demonstrated that any communication between women and their old high school boyfriends will result in sexual relations and that a girls' night out invariably leads to sexual contact with multiple men met in bars," Corbin said. "We won't be surprised if instances of women getting a drink after work with that cool, funny male coworker they're always talking about yield similar results."

The study also concluded that 99 percent of women who pick up the phone quickly and enthusiastically do so because they are expecting a call from another man.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close