adBlockCheck

Study: Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else

Top Headlines

Recent News

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Weddings vs. Eloping

Many couples who don’t want to put the time and money toward a wedding simply run off and get married in secret. Here is a side-by-side comparison of planning a wedding and eloping

EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Study: Women Always Answer Their Phones Unless They're Having Great Sex With Someone Else

Researchers say this is what is happening 100 percent of the time when women don't answer their phones.
Researchers say this is what is happening 100 percent of the time when women don't answer their phones.

BLOOMINGTON, IN—A new study released Monday by sociologists at Indiana University found that women will always answer their telephones unless mind-blowing sex with a man other than the caller prevents them from doing so.

The findings were consistent across all demographic groups in a sampling of 500 females between the ages of 18 to 35, which included women who were romantically involved with the caller but had requested some time apart to clear their heads, as well as women who had dated the caller briefly but assumed it was understood by both parties that the relationship had not worked out.

"No matter who they were, or what their perceived or actual relationship with the male caller was, women who failed to pick up the phone were statistically all but certain to be deep in the throes of coital passion with one or more virile lovers at the time of the call," researcher Patrick Berger said. "In addition, a vast majority of the female participants we observed had seemingly forgotten all about the relationship they once had with the caller, and were, in fact, completely consumed by the vaginal gratification they were currently receiving."

"A type of gratification they would hesitate to even call 'sex,' since it was so much more intense and transcendent than any kind of sex they had experienced before," Berger added.

The study revealed that 80 percent of the time, women who declined to answer their phones were, at that very moment, being sexually pleasured by a man superior to the caller in terms of looks, genital endowment, and stamina. Researchers also found that a majority of women picked up the phone, examined the caller ID, and told their male lover "It's nobody" before continuing with sexual intercourse.

In another 15 percent of cases, female research subjects had just journeyed to a land of pure sexual delight with another man and were, at the time the phone rang, smoking a cigarette while letting their fingertips graze over the unusually thick penis that had just brought them to, on average, four orgasms. The remaining 5 percent of non-answerers consisted of women who were stimulating their own genitals, either while talking on the phone to another man, instant-messaging another man, or simply imagining another man who had sexually turned them inside out on a recent occasion.

"It's true that in a negligible number of cases, women did not answer because their cell battery had legitimately died," Berger said. "But in each instance, they had either failed to charge their phone because they'd spent the night in someone else's apartment, or had used up their battery's power sending pictures of their naked body to another man."

The study emphasized that while women who failed to answer the phone were almost unquestionably with someone else enjoying the most volcanic sensual escapade they'd ever had, there was also the possibility that they were busy gazing deeply into another man's eyes, knowing and feeling a type of love they had never known or felt before.

"In many cases, during the time of the call, the woman was spending the afternoon with the man at that museum she's always wanted to visit, afterward watching the sunset from the deck of the man's boat," said social psychologist Michael Corbin, a coauthor of the study. "In each case, the woman didn't want a ringtone ruining a moment of true spiritual connection with the first man she had ever really, truly loved with all her heart."

"Sex, however, always occurred subsequently," Corbin added.

According to the researchers, the findings of this latest study are fully consistent with their previous behavioral investigations.

"Our prior research has already demonstrated that any communication between women and their old high school boyfriends will result in sexual relations and that a girls' night out invariably leads to sexual contact with multiple men met in bars," Corbin said. "We won't be surprised if instances of women getting a drink after work with that cool, funny male coworker they're always talking about yield similar results."

The study also concluded that 99 percent of women who pick up the phone quickly and enthusiastically do so because they are expecting a call from another man.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close