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Study: You Have HPV

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Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

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Study: You Have HPV

ATLANTA—The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released updated human papillomavirus infection rate statistics Tuesday, which include you among the millions now living with the sexually transmitted infection.

"In the past year, over 6.2 million Americans were infected with HPV, and yes, you were one of them," read the report, which included an epidemiological analysis of your decision to sleep with several partners, including that bartender at Ruby Tuesday. "There is no cure for HPV, which is something you should have thought about before February 19, 2007, but various preventative treatments, including the new HPV vaccine, will save countless others from sharing your fate."

Although the report states that the majority of papillomaviruses do not result in genital warts or cervical cancer, the CDC's most recent data indicates you will not be so lucky.

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