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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Study: You Have HPV

ATLANTA—The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released updated human papillomavirus infection rate statistics Tuesday, which include you among the millions now living with the sexually transmitted infection.

"In the past year, over 6.2 million Americans were infected with HPV, and yes, you were one of them," read the report, which included an epidemiological analysis of your decision to sleep with several partners, including that bartender at Ruby Tuesday. "There is no cure for HPV, which is something you should have thought about before February 19, 2007, but various preventative treatments, including the new HPV vaccine, will save countless others from sharing your fate."

Although the report states that the majority of papillomaviruses do not result in genital warts or cervical cancer, the CDC's most recent data indicates you will not be so lucky.

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