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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Study: Zero People Have Led Satisfying Lives After Altering Original Career Plans, Aspirations

WASHINGTON—A report out Monday from the Labor Department has found that of the millions of American adults who have switched jobs in search of a new career, not a single one has ever experienced a higher quality of life or greater levels of overall satisfaction. “Our results show that exactly zero people in the workforce have benefited from examining their original goals in life, deciding happiness lies elsewhere, and risking a new career,” read the report, compiled from an exhaustive study of every person employed in the United States since record-keeping began in 1888. “According to our evidence, if you aspire your whole life to become an attorney, spend a decade practicing law, and then quit to start your own business or pursue some other profession, you will be completely miserable. Even if your new line of work pays significantly more, you will still feel an overwhelming lack of fulfillment and regret making the change. Our report concludes that all citizens should cling to their current station in life, however unpleasant they find it.” The study also found that 80 percent of Americans who don’t fulfill their career goals by age 5 remain crestfallen for the rest of their lives.

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