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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Study: Zero People Have Led Satisfying Lives After Altering Original Career Plans, Aspirations

WASHINGTON—A report out Monday from the Labor Department has found that of the millions of American adults who have switched jobs in search of a new career, not a single one has ever experienced a higher quality of life or greater levels of overall satisfaction. “Our results show that exactly zero people in the workforce have benefited from examining their original goals in life, deciding happiness lies elsewhere, and risking a new career,” read the report, compiled from an exhaustive study of every person employed in the United States since record-keeping began in 1888. “According to our evidence, if you aspire your whole life to become an attorney, spend a decade practicing law, and then quit to start your own business or pursue some other profession, you will be completely miserable. Even if your new line of work pays significantly more, you will still feel an overwhelming lack of fulfillment and regret making the change. Our report concludes that all citizens should cling to their current station in life, however unpleasant they find it.” The study also found that 80 percent of Americans who don’t fulfill their career goals by age 5 remain crestfallen for the rest of their lives.

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