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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Stuffed-Up Congress Allocates $250 Million To Destroy Pollen

WASHINGTON—Sending a strong message that airborne spores would no longer be tolerated in America's trees, weeds, or grass, members of the itchy and runny-nosed U.S. Congress pledged Tuesday to spend $250 million wiping out pollen for good. "We can no longer sit idly by while the nation's flora releases billions of microscopic granules into the air," announced House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD), who then rubbed his eyes and violently sneezed four times in a row. "We must act preemptively to…[violent hacking noise from back of throat]. Jesus Christ, it's every year with these things!" Insiders expect the measure to face an uphill battle in the Senate, where a rapidly swelling Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) vowed to block any bill that didn't include a provision to also eradicate shellfish.

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