Stuffed-Up Congress Allocates $250 Million To Destroy Pollen

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Vol 46 Issue 18

Yankees Hat Purchased

WAYNE, NJ—Thirty-six-year-old Ian Althoff, a self-professed casual baseball fan, purchased a fitted New York Yankees baseball cap Monday for the retail price of $33.99.

Phillies Bring In Bruise Specialist

PHILADELPHIA—Phillies manager Charlie Manuel announced Thursday that a bruise specialist from the Johns Hopkins Hospital's contusion trauma center was brought in to examine a third-degree boo-boo on outfielder Shane Victorino's thigh.

Actress, Musician To Wed

HOLLYWOOD, CA—The musician, who was once married to the dancer before divorcing three years ago amid scandal over an Internet sexual intercourse tape, recently attended sex addiction rehab and is described as "ready to settle down" by his lawyer.

Early Marijuana Use Increases Psychosis Risk

A study by the Queensland Brain Institute in Australia showed that young adults who had smoked marijuana for at least six years were twice as likely to suffer delusions, hallucinations, or psychotic episodes.

Bill Russell

In this classic Strongside/Weakside we celebrate a team player who embodied basketball's defensive mindset. Was he any good?
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Stuffed-Up Congress Allocates $250 Million To Destroy Pollen

WASHINGTON—Sending a strong message that airborne spores would no longer be tolerated in America's trees, weeds, or grass, members of the itchy and runny-nosed U.S. Congress pledged Tuesday to spend $250 million wiping out pollen for good. "We can no longer sit idly by while the nation's flora releases billions of microscopic granules into the air," announced House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer (D-MD), who then rubbed his eyes and violently sneezed four times in a row. "We must act preemptively to…[violent hacking noise from back of throat]. Jesus Christ, it's every year with these things!" Insiders expect the measure to face an uphill battle in the Senate, where a rapidly swelling Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) vowed to block any bill that didn't include a provision to also eradicate shellfish.

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