adBlockCheck

The Week In Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
End Of Section
  • More News

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways. “Adam, the rumor I am about to share with you regarding the Kansas City Chief’s cap-space in 2036 would result in unimaginable destruction if it fell into the wrong hands,” said Schefter’s future self, who quickly pulled him into a supply closet and continued issuing a vague warning as the pale, overwhelmed current-day Schefter demanded to know who the gray-haired man was and how he found him. “I must make this quick, so all I can tell you now is that nothing will ever be the same if the Chiefs refuse to address their depth in the secondary through free agency that year. It would be a disaster of epic proportions and set in motion a domino effect the likes of which we have never seen before. But remember, you must protect this secret with your life or risk bringing about the end of the NFL as we know it.” At press time a sweat-soaked Schefter had reportedly taken a deep breath before tweeting “Jeremy Kerley to Jets” to his 6 million Twitter followers.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close