Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Stunned Family Watches As Grandmother Wolfs Down Sandwich In 33 Minutes

SPOKANE, WA—Claiming they had never seen anything like it before, the stunned family of local grandmother Doreen Weiss reportedly watched in disbelief Wednesday as she wolfed down a sandwich in 33 minutes. “Man, she just stuffed her face and absolutely annihilated that thing,” said Weiss’s grandson Justin, noting that the family couldn’t believe that their grandmother had “inhaled” her chicken salad on rye in just over a half hour. “I wasn’t even halfway through my club sandwich, and she was already completely done with her first bite. It was nuts. She even scarfed down a couple of crackers.” Justin Weiss went on to say that the family was floored when the 86-year-old “pretty much guzzled” two entire spoonfuls of the tomato soup that came with the sandwich before deciding she would save the rest for lunch and dinner tomorrow.

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